Living with limitations

14 Tuesday May 2013

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There are many serious aspects of my life and health at the moment. I am currently back in hospital due to another infection around the site of one my drains. I have three drains upon which I am pretty dependant to stay healthy.

At the end of last week, when I started to run a small temperature I came immediately to the hospital as per the instruction I had been given.  I am alarmed by the speed with which I can become sick. Within a few hours of a tube being fixed, they located a new infection site and put me on some very strong antibiotics. It suddenly felt like a light was turned on. I was wide awake and alert. It was then I started to understand how sick I had been for a while and not even noticed. My energy level went up, my yellow colouring was going away and I generally felt pretty good.

I am acutely aware of two things – I really need the drains to work and I need to keep the infections down.

Having said that, I woke up this morning feeling blue. It was pretty simple actually. I live in Bangkok, ergo it is always hot. I live in a community with swimming pools everywhere and I love swimming. And, thanks to my tubes, I cannot swim.

Logical? Of course not. It was utterly silly! But it started me thinking. Granted, this was 4:30 this morning while I waiting for blood work and other nice things to happen. As I started to think and pray, I realized that I was fighting against the limitations that the Lord has allowed into my life.

Limitations are a common in all of our lives. They include all of the things that we cannot change such as age, ethnicity, height and much of our health. Maturity, as humans means that we learn to accept what we cannot change. Maturity as a follower of Jesus means that we try to learn how to live in surrender to our Father.

Paul puts it this way.

Philippians 4:11 (NIV)

11 I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances.

Being content, resting in the situation is a supreme act of trust in the sovereignty of God.

In Psalm 131:2 it is expressed this way -

But I have calmed and quieted myself,

    I am like a weaned child with its mother;

like a weaned child I am content.

I still want to swim but more than that I want to learn to live like a child leaning on its mothers breast. What a amazing image of trust. It is one I want to see acted out in my life.

Valleys, paths and tolling bells

07 Tuesday May 2013

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I awoke after about two hours sleep tonight. This is not that surprising as I have 3 tubes coming out of my liver which leave me in a state of constantly being uncomfortable and downright sore if I move the wrong way.

What kept me awake, however was not the discomfort but the dark valley into which my mind had wandered. My dreams and thoughts were just not good. Unable to break the pattern, I arose and did something I try not to do in the night – checked my email and facebook.

There was a brief message from someone I last saw when he lived with my parents and I during High School as he was from Jamaica and had come to finish school in Canada. His message was brief but reminded me that God was with me in the dark valleys.

I knew that – and knew Psalm 23 well. I started to read it again and was reminded of a verse in Ps 16:11

You make known to me the path of life;
    you will fill me with joy in your presence,
    with eternal pleasures at your right hand.

My Father loves to take the dark and sunless valleys in our lives and show us how they too can become the path of life filled with the joy of his presence!

When I was waiting for radiation today, I was re reading an amazing book called ” Where is God when it hurts” by Philip Yancey. In this revised version, he introduced me to John Donne. I had read, and not liked what little I had read of Donne but admittedly knew almost nothing about him.

Everything in Donne’s life was painful. His father-in-law got him fired from his position in law and so he turned to the church becoming a priest. After less than a year his wife died of the plague leaving him with 10 children to look after. Shortly after that, he too was diagnosed with the plague and was preparing to death.

His life was in complete confusion. After finally finding that he could be of some service to God, he found all that he could look forward to was pain, fever and death. Around this point, the tolling of a church bells announcing another death lead him to write one of the most poignant passages in literature.

No man is an island,
Entire of itself.
Each is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
If a clod be washed away by the sea,
Europe is the less….


Each man’s death diminishes me,
For I am involved in mankind.
Therefore, send not to know
For whom the bell tolls,
It tolls for thee.

For Donne, this event of hearing the bell ringing the morbid news of another’s death awakened in him something profound. Even in this dark place, God could bring redemption and spiritual life. He was driven by a deep desire to see his pain redeemed. 

Or, going back to the Psalms, finding the path of life in the valley of darkness. 

I am gripped by two things. The need to see my pain and fears redeemed and to continue to draw closer to the Lord.

I started to pray tonight for the faces that surround me waiting for radiation – many filled with deep despair. I saw the waiting room in Oncology and am choosing to pray rather draw the curtain of self pity around me. 

I remember friends and family also having treatment for cancer and my understanding of how to pray as well as my motivation is greatly increased.

And there is more – the path of life that the Lord leads us unto is a path with the joy of His presence. As I head back to bed, it is that path that I will thinking upon.

(By the way, instead of Bubonic plague, Donne had Typhus from which he survived.)

Selfishness, pain and prayer

29 Monday Apr 2013

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Pain, by its very nature, is a huge magnet drawing everything to itself. My pain is not great, but combined with the emotional fallout from the ever changing medical condition that I find my self in; isucks me into its selfish centre – especially at night.

The good thing is that I am more deliberate in praying and worshipping in those times. The bad news is that it is mostly centered upon me and my situation.
I am pretty sure that this is a bad focus because my heart and mind are more drawn to what I am fighting than the one who is fighting along side me.
That is where worship is a perspective changer. It allows us to open our eyes and see where God is in a situation. Here is a great example.

2 Kings 6:15-17 Now when the attendant of the man of God had risen early and gone out, behold, an army with horses and chariots was circling the city. And his servant said to him, “Alas, my master! What shall we do?” So he answered, “Do not fear, for those who are with us are more than those who are with them.” Then Elisha prayed and said, “O Lord, I pray, open his eyes that he may see.” And the Lord opened the servant’s eyes and he saw; and behold, the mountain was full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.

Too often, in the confusion of pain, i only see the problem and it is terrifying.
Authentic worship can help to open my eyes.

There is another twist to this. I learned last night that an easy shortcut from the cycle of  worry in the night is to simply pray for someone else. It suddenly hit me how self centered my prayers had become. How sad that my prayer life revolved around my liver!
So I started to pray for friends who were in deeper and longer battles than I; like Jimmy and Katy, Ian and Linda. I remembered a dear friend Laurie serving children in the murder capital of Honduras. The more I prayed for others, the closer to the Lord I felt and the more distant from my little issue.
I call my blog “anchorhold” because that was a room built on the side of a Cathedral or monastery, where people could look out upon the world and pray. I have been looking in more than out which is something that I need to balance a bit better.

Surgery and the names of God

19 Friday Apr 2013

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I feel like I have been slapped by a dump truck.
Today I had a needle biopsy of my live duct. Probably the most constant pain was from the continual kneading of the ultrasound throughout the procedure. Althought there was a lot of local anesthetics there were times I really knew where my liver situated.
I think my exhaustion level is at least in part due to how tense my body was in trying not to move and to control the pain. All of my muscles sort of ache.
But the good news is that on the 3rd try she was able to get a sample from which we will get results on Wednesday.

Now my main point. As I was waiting for everything to start I began a spiritual exercise which Denise and I have used through the years. In times of great stress we would try to remember as many names for God as we could. It has been a very profitable time for both of us and helped us to sleep.
So in sterile operating room I started:

Alpha
Omega
My healer
My protector
My fortress
My strong tower
The one who prepares my hands for battle.
The one who gives songs in the night
The lover of my soul
The conquering hero.
The one who lights my lamps ( if you look for it you can find it)
Yahweh – I am that I am.

It was a wonderful way to prepare my heart and soul.
Oh and my blood pressure never went above 116.

Surgery and the names of The Lord

19 Friday Apr 2013

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I feel like I have been slapped by a dump truck.
Today I had a needle biopsy of my live duct. Probably the most constant pain was from the continual kneading of the ultrasound throughout the procedure. Althought there was a lot of local anesthetics there were times I really knew where my liver was situated.
I think my exhaustion level is at least in part due to how tense my body was in trying not to move and to control the pain. All of my muscles sort of ache.
But the good news is that on the 3rd try the doctor was able to get a sample from which we will get results on Wednesday.

Now my main point- as I was waiting for everything to start, I began a spiritual exercise which Denise and I have used through the years. In times of great stress we would try to remember as many names for God as we could. It has been a very profitable time for both of us and helped us to sleep.
So in sterile operating room I started:

Alpha
Omega
My healer
My protector
My fortress
My strong tower
The one who prepares my hands for battle.
The one who gives songs in the night
The lover of my soul
The conquering hero.
The one who lights my lamps ( if you look for it you can find it)
Yahweh – I am that I am.

It was a wonderful way to prepare my heart and soul.
Oh and my blood pressure never went above 116.

a rather wonderful gift

17 Wednesday Apr 2013

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Sorry – this is the second posting as there was a problem with the first.

One of the lovely bits of reality with living in Bangkok is that it is pretty normal to have a house cleaner or maid. It is just affordable and helps the local economy. Our church has a great ESL course which is mostly the maids, cleaners and drivers in our area. Denise and I have been helping to teach until I got sick and we just loved it.

One night I had a great discussion with the class when I asked them if they liked working Nichada which is our community. All of them enthusiastically said yes. The common comment was they feel they are being paid above average for their jobs and treated with respect and honour. It was so nice to hear. One of the cleaners said that the reason she loves coming to the ESL at the church is because of how she feels totally loved there. They all agreed.

We have a lovely Burmese girl, Cho, who cleans the church for the majority of her time but lives with us and works for us a couple of hours a day. We call her our cleaning ninja. As she is just so fast! We love having her with us even though she is just starting to learn English. Cho has gone back to Burma for two weeks as her aunt has cancer. We happily helped her go but my goodness we could have used her this week.  Today her friend, LinLin came to work for us for a couple of hours which was wonderful. We know her as she is in my ESL class. When Denise went to pay her, she teared up and refused the money saying she just really wanted to help us. We both started to cry. I was pretty overwhelmed. She may be paid well for a maid but I know she lives simply in one room at the back of someone’s house.  Perhaps I should add that LinLin was the one who said she loves coming to ESL because she she feels so much love. She also decided to become a follower of Jesus over the weekend.

In praise of storms

15 Monday Apr 2013

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It was not mphotoy best idea. When we were living in the Netherlands last year, my daughter and her family came for a visit. We had bought a bike trailer for the grandsons that I was anxious to try – partially because we did not all fit in our tiny car.

So the plan was for Phil and I to ride to the next town with Eden and meet the others at a shopping mall there. It was cloudy and we knew we might get a bit wet but we were not worried.

Fail.

Within 2 km, the rain was coming straight in our face. It was unrelenting for the next  10 km of riding along picturesque canals and fields where the driving rain obscured all but the patch of path in front of us. We kept checking with my 3 year old grandson who informed us that he was quite warm and dry thank you.  We could not have been more wet if we ridden in the canals.

I was reminded of this twice in the last 24 hours.  Denise found a wonderful song yesterday, which although we had both listened to it,  I have never paid attention to the words.

Here are the words with a link also to a YouTube video which includes the words also.

When the rain falls
And it some days will
And the pavement under my feet
Sparkles silver in gold
In reflective light
That I otherwise wouldn’t have seen

When the storm comes
And the strong wind blows
I will bow my head to push through
And every step that I take
I will watch and pray
And be sure my foothold is true

Jesus, don’t you keep me from that storm
I want to walk that sacred ground
For You are Master of it all
And I am but a lost and found

And in the dry place
In the wilderness
When Your words seem so far away
I will think of my life and I will
Bless Your name
For Your promises never have failed

And when the night falls
At the end of days
I will lift my eyes to the Heavens
And we will shine like the stars
For eternal days
In Your presence forever and ever

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UL52-OwpbVc

This is a song to live in for us at this time – and I suspect that we are not alone within this.  There is beauty can be only seen in the midst of a storm.

This is a stormy season in my life of the biggest sort. Included in this week’s roller coaster, we met with the oncologist, was warned there was a very high probability that the cancer had already spread, had an endoscopic biopsy and was given a tiny ray of hope that the additional spot might not be cancer.  It seemed like every day the scenario, and our lives were changing. The range of emotions that we went through were, to put it mildly, extreme.

So where is the beauty? Are pain, fear, and deeper sadness than I could ever imagine in themselves beautiful? I am not convinced. But in the soft glow of cloudy days, and the flash of lightning against a dark sky, one’s perspective changes.

I have the option of anger. Why me? How did I contract such a rare form of cancer? I am trying to serve God, why would he not take better care of me? To me, that is anger for which  I just do not have time.

Saying yes to the Lord includes saying yes to all that He chooses to bring into my life. I don’t know what is at the end of this valley of the shadow of death. And I know within this valley, there are things of beauty to be found. Beauty that is enhanced in the clouds and the rain.

Our time in the Netherlands had its own unique pain and struggles. One morning as I was riding my bike to work and not actually looking forward to getting there, the Lord spoke clearly to my heart that I needed to “enjoy the ride”. That utterly changed my perspective, not only of my riding but also my days.

A friend wrote me today and reminded me of that moment and also the fact that I probably had cancer during that ride. And the words that the Lord gave me were not just for my morning bike ride, but the ride of my life. Even in this valley, I am going to enjoy the ride.

Continuing the metaphor of storms, one of me favourite encounters between Jesus and his disciples was when they were in a terrible storm in the sea of Gallilee and Jesus ws fast asleep in the boat. I was chatting with a friend a out this passage this afternoon. I often wonder what his disciples, tough fisherman thought while Jesus slept while they were struggling for their lives. Didn’t he care? How could he sleep whe. We need so much help – now?

In my storms, even when the Lord appears to be silent and asleep, here is my peace and confidence. He could both made and calm the the storms is in my boat. And he is not alarmed.

Isaiah 68 –

10 Wednesday Apr 2013

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A couple of nights ago I had the same dream in two variations; a strange phenomenon which never ceases to get my attention. Within both dreams the “Isaiah 68″ figured prominently. Even within my dream there was a discussion because in the book of Isaiah there is no Chapter 68.  One of the characters in my dream suggested it might have something to do with a time when Isaiah was 68 but that search turned out to futile.

It was not until I woke up and suddenly realized that Isaiah 6:8 is a very significant passage of the Bible to me.

8 Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”

And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”

Throughout our marriage this has been our heart cry. We have always wanted to be the people with our hands up, shoes on, ready and willing to go where He should lead us. The adventure of our lives has been leaning how to follow him throughout the years.

As I thought about this verse, in light of the very real struggles that we are in, I realized something else.

There have been times when I have internally grumbled over the last few weeks and thought that the Lord really should have sent us to England where we would be close to our family. That just would make sense; and yet, I know that the Lord led us here and it is a great place to be. I am glad that I said yes to His call and I want to embrace it. ( Besides, where can we get better medical, more easily accessible support and such wonderful fruit?)

I also know that in calling us to Chaengwattana Community Church, He had a purpose which comes from His love and faithfulness. I do not think that we have finished our work here and there I will pray and fight and do what needs to be done to continue.

I do not know what the next period in my life holds but I confident that the one who has led us thus far will lead us forward. I know that He is the one who can lead so through this valley of the shadow of death. I plan on holding His hand..

Dealing with poison

08 Monday Apr 2013

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We had a wonderful privilege on Saturday when the pastor of another expatriate church  in Bangkok dropped in. We had not met him yet and had a great time chatting and praying with him. And, as is often the case, we have some mutual friends in various countries.

Before he prayed for me, he asked me a question in the most interesting way. In my paraphrase he said “Are there any reasons why God might be more interested in healing your heart before your body?” What a great question!

I know that James encourages us to make our hearts right through confession before we pray. In John’s little epistle he says it this way -

Dear friend, I pray that you may enjoy good health and that all may go well with you, even as your soul is getting along well”  3 John 2

That is a thought dear to my heart at the moment. I am really looking for the Lord’s healing but more importantly for health for my soul as I wait. This enforced period of inactivity has given me much opportunity for reflection, repentance and repositioning myself.

I recall someone saying many years ago that if the church really believed we should be as healthy physically as we are spiritually, the church should subsidize wheelchairs. I am not sure it is that extreme but I am convinced that we have overemphasized the healing of the body at times to the neglect of nurturing healthy souls.

It is not insignificant that this week I have a tube in my poor little liver draining out all of the pus and poison that has been accumulating.

It is an exercise that is needed for body, mind and soul. Perhaps it is needed for many of us.

God Spotting again

05 Friday Apr 2013

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Ok, so today has not gone according to plan and I am back in hospital with a liver that is seriously not playing well with others.  But that is not the focus of this blog.

I woke up this morning and decided that I need to spend time today looking for the goodness of God in surprising place. Sign of unexpected gentleness, beauty and mercy are all around if we open our eyes.

It has been a great day of God spotting!

I was coming up in the elevator after having had an EKG. I was, of course, dress in my finest hospital gown attire. Two very religiously dressed Moslem ladies joined us in the elevator. My eyes me one of them and she gave me a smile – shy but very warm. As they departed the elevator, she put put her hand on my should and said very softly ” God blesses you – you have such loving eyes.” Sort of made my day!

ImageWhen Denise left, being the selfish creature that I am, I asked for a couple of oatmeal raison cookies from a cafe in the hospital. About have half hour later this little Thai nurse came running in with a bag and a huge smile. She pointed to the bag and said -” that is just so sweet!” and squeezed my hand.

Now in case you get the wrong idea, it is not just two strange women touched me, but rather that they both expressed, in a culturally unexpected way, tenderness.

The nurse was touched by Denise’s love (as I am). 

And I am deeply touched by God’s love that shines through so many cracks if we are willing to notice.

 

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